In The Thick

It’s hard to remember what it was like now that it’s gone: that stomach-turning queasy feeling. As the hour grew nearer and nearer, I withdrew more and more, unaware of the world around me, focused only on remembering dates or facts that felt perched precariously in the corners of my mind. It made no rational sense, my nervousness… I knew these things, and the knowledge went far deeper than the corners of my mind.

Midterms, it’s so lovely to meet you.

I had two big tests on Tuesday, so I spent most of the weekend studying. Occasionally I’d find myself distracted by something like the sudden urge to clean my kitchen, wash my clothes, and paint my nails. But mainly I progressed forward: preparing, going over things I knew, but needed to have readily available. I had all weekend, so I took my time: studying, a run in the park; a little more studying, a read through the newspaper; still more studying, a political protest.

But come Tuesday morning, though I had done all I needed to do, I was incredibly nervous. It wasn’t that I didn’t know what awaited me in those exams… quite the opposite. It was that I knew exactly what would be required of me, I knew it would be difficult, and I wanted so very much to do well. I felt silly and vulnerable and real. Academic anxiety, having studied and read and listened and understood, was not so known to me.

So when it was time I went into the classroom, sat down, and faced the test. And really… it wasn’t so bad. Granted, results will soon be available to tell me just how bad, or good, it was. But as my favorite high school teacher used to say, I walked into the test young, intelligent, and beautiful, and I left the same way.

I’m told it gets easier…